W30:The Night Before

This is it. I've taken my last bites of food I think I need & love. The weekend was full of endulging & now I say goodbye grains, dairy, sugar & everything else that isn't Whole30 compliant. I have a jumble of emotions going on. It's a mixed bag of nerves and excitement and ohmygoshwhatamidoing and please let this be the last time I have to start over and I don't want to fail again and... and... and..... I know this isn't going to be easy.  But I'm hopeful it will be worth it.

I've had nothing but amazing support given to me. So many good conversations have been had & hopefully it's just the beginning. The icing on the cake was the cashier at Fresh Market this afternoon. She took the time to initiate a conversation & in doing so I was able to find out she had lost 120 pounds in  three years. Wow! It's so amazing to talk with someone who has walked in your shoes. So thank you, cashier lady. Thank you for  making me cry, giving me hope, but most of all for reminding me I can do this.

Alright! Let's get this Whole30 party started!

Real Talk

When I decided on the phrase "Be Brave" for my 2015 theme, I never could have imagined the outpouring of support I would receive. I have been gifted (anonymously) a beautiful shirt that says "Brave", I have been sent scriptures to encourage me to lean on Him for strength, Facebook messages, and even face to face reminders that He made me brave. It's been amazing!! I'm so thankful for the support.

What I've realized, though, is for me to be brave, it also means I have to be real. So it's about to get all kinds of real on this blog. Are you ready? I'm not sure I am, but I'm going to do it anyway! Here we go...

I am, by nature, a very visual person. Tell me a story? I'll picture it in detail. Need to teach me something? Better let me watch (or let me do it with my own hands!). Sitting in school (back in the day) or at church? Give me a pen so I can doodle and write and see what I'm hearing. Want to remember something? Take a picture if possible!

Like I said, I'm visual. So to say I had a major wake up call last week is an under statement. I am well aware of my size, well aware. Booths, seat belts, and clothes are a constant reminder. But when I went into a David's Bridal last week and there were mirrors everywhere, I about went nuts. I mean, I avoid mirrors at all cost. But guys, you can't argue with something that is screaming reality in your face and those mirrors were screaming!

I have been battling my size (I'm purposely not saying weight. There is so much more to this than a number on a scale.) my entire life. I've done WeightWatchers, did low/no fat, counted calories, went vegan, worked out hardcore, did a 24Day Advocare challenge, and I still struggle. Y'all, I think everything I have tried has potential to be effective. I mean, you can't argue the success stories. But for some reason I can't get anything to stick for ME. Three years ago I lost a lot of weight (going vegan), but once I started giving in to the little treats here and there, I all but gave up and the visual person in me can no longer deny the changes. I see it in my face, in the way my clothes fit (or don't!), and I really saw it in those mirrors a few days ago.

So what am I to do? I'll be honest, I've considered a weight-loss surgery of some sort. But I know myself too well and know my love for food. Did you catch that last part? My love for food. Y'all, I'm addicted to it, I'm convinced. I love to eat it. I love to cook it. I love to serve it. There is no surgery or set of pills that will fix that.

In addition to my food issues, I also have polycystic ovarian syndrome. This hormonal disorder makes losing weight very difficult and gaining weight very easy. It causes my body to be insulin resistant and over time, with my PCOS and family history, the chances of becoming diabetic increases greatly. It's something I'm going to have to battle for the rest of my life. And I think I came up with a game plan.

Beginning next week I am going to reset my body. I will be going Whole30 in hopes those 30 days will make me more aware of my addiction and help regulate my body's hormones. I will say goodbye to grains, dairy, and sugar and instead focus on whole, real foods. It will not be easy. And I'm going to guess it won't be fun (for the first few days especially!), but I'l be honest. I'm kind of getting excited. I've been doing a lot of research and I see a light. I have new recipes ready to whip up and that makes me smile (remember how I love to cook?! I can still do that!). I'm not naive and expect this to be a quick fix. But I do see it as a much needed step towards acknowledging my relationship with food and hopefully over time positive changes will be a result.

So here's to taking another brave step. I plan on blogging my way through these hard, potentially life changing 30 days. I truly believe accountability will be key. Call me out on it, people! Or if you're feeling crazy, join me on this journey.

But before I take the leap, I have a day in the kitchen preparing for B's birthday dinner tonight. And let's just say it's not Whole30 approved. Just keeping it real. ;)

Be Brave

Two years ago Brandon challenged me and sparked a new tradition and he didn't even realize it! While discussing New Year's resolutions, he said he wished I could just be content no matter the situation. And so began my word of the year. For 2013 it was "Content" and last year I chose the phrase "Press On". I can't say that I have mastered either contentment or pressing on, they'll always be a work in progress, but it did help me to have them at the forefront of my thinking. It kept things in perspective when I'd get overwhelmed.

This year I was a little slower in choosing a word/phrase. I was kind of avoiding the whole process until I got a text from one of my sweet college girls who wanted to share her word with me. She was on top of things and seeing her enthusiasm challenged me to narrow in on my theme for 2015.

Honestly, I already knew what it was going to be. It's something I've been dealing with for a long time, but for the most part ignoring and laughing off.  And the fact that I was struggling to commit to it was proof in itself that this is exactly the road I need to travel this year.

You see, to know me is to know one of my famous catchphrases... "That makes me nervous." I say it to be silly and I say it when I am so very serious. But in every situation, it's a scapegoat. It's my comfort. And it's my excuse to not do whatever is staring me in the face and causing those anxious feelings.

And I'm so over it.

At the beginning of the school year I chose verses to pray over each of my girls. For Baylee I chose Colossians 3:23, "Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men...". I desire for her to seek approval in God and not in things of this world. I don't want her to get weighed down in comparing herself to others that she loses sight of who she is in Him. I pray in all she does she gives it her best effort, not to please me or B, or teachers, or friends, but to please Him because that's what He's called her to do.

For Caylee's verse I chose Proverbs 3:26, "...for the Lord will be your confidence...". As a twin it can be easy to step back and let your sibling take over. I've seen that in Caylee. I desire for her to find her own voice, to hold her head high, to make eye contact. I pray she finds a Godly confidence in who she is and walks boldly in who she was created to be. Though a twin, she is uniquely gifted and I pray she sees value in that.

When I chose those verses for their eighth grade year, I had no idea at the time it would be a precursor for my 2015 theme. As I wrestled with narrowing down what it was going to be, I kept coming back to Proverbs 3:26. "...for the Lord will be your confidence...". When I was wide awake and my mind racing at three in the morning, I knew exactly what my theme would be.

Be brave. Find confidence in Him to be who He created me to be.

There are so many areas I need to be brave this year...

*I think of a road we are about to travel as a family and it will take being brave to walk it. It will require us to be confident in the calling He has placed on us, no matter the cost.

*I think of my struggle with my weight and it will take being brave to conquer it. Instead of trying to find confidence in a number on a scale or a certain clothing size, I must first find my confidence in Him. When I do that, I think I will have success.

*I think of the gifts and talents He has given me and how for so long they have gone unused. I might dabble in them here and there, but I have to be brave and use them! I can't let them go to waste.

*I think of relationships and the intentionality it takes to develop true, meaningful community. It's not easy to put yourself out there, at least it's not for me. I have to be brave and walk confidently that He will lead me to lasting friendships that will challenge and encourage.

*I think of financial goals and the bravery it will take to say no to certain things to reach where we want to be, but also saying yes to how He asks us to use our money, His money.

*I think of dreams and how I am just now beginning to dream for myself. What does that even mean? I'm still trying to figure that out and it's sure going to take being brave to do so!

*I also think of all the unknowns. Yes, we all can have a plan for our lives. But I've seen over and over how those plans can change in an instant. Who knows what my life will look like in just a few months, or next year? I can't predict the future. But I can begin to prepare for whatever lies ahead. And so I choose to be brave.

Putting this all in written words is in itself terrifying to me. I've tried to write this post for days now, but just now finding the confidence to do so. Because if it's just in my head, I can talk myself out of it. But now that it's out there for anyone to see and challenge me on, that takes commitment. Even now I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes me want to say "Oh this makes me so nervous." But I recently read something Jennie Allen said, "If you ever want to do anything of significance, you have to learn to love the sick tense feeling in your belly instead of hate it."

So here I am. This is me for this year. I choose to be brave. I choose to not be overwhelmed by fear that I miss out on what God has in store for me. I choose to walk in His confidence knowing He has called me His and has placed me here for such a time as this. Will I fail? Oh, of course! Will I give up? No way.

Last spring I fell in love with a song by Bethel Music. It's called "You Make Me Brave". I played it on repeat and belted those words. And then one day in the car I was singing it and I looked at Brandon and said, "How can I even sing those words if I don't mean them? How can I say He makes me brave if I'm scared all of the time?" Y'all, that was months ago! Are you beginning to see my struggle here? Because the struggle is real. But I can be brave because He makes me brave. I can't find that confidence in my own strength, only His. He is our banner, He goes before us, so what is there to be afraid of?!

I don't know what is giving you that sick feeling in your gut today, but I pray you find strength and confidence in Him to face it. Be brave, my friends.

"Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong."

1 Corinthians 16:13

Exhale and Inhale

I didn't intend to go a year without blogging. There were many "blog-worthy" events that happened this year, most of which were documented through social media and shared with family and friends. So while this blog has been neglected this year, it hasn't been forgotten. I'm not quite sure what made me go back to this post a couple of weeks ago, but I did. I sat on my couch and cried as I read it. And it's been in my head ever since. This is one of those posts that I remember nearly every detail about writing. I was sitting on my bed, having just watched the ball drop on tv. And in those moments I had the same feeling I have right now... a sense of newness and freshness. An exhale of the old, ready to breathe in the new.

At the time I couldn't see all that 2014 would bring, but I was ready to press on no matter what. I sat in anticipation of what God was going to do personally in my life, and in the life of our family. It was only fitting my "theme" for the year was press on, because goodness did I need that reminder. This year was hard. An outsider looking in would probably see something different. They'd see the Instagram worthy pictures of the fun and easy moments of 2014. But what people can't see through the lens of social media, is what God is doing in the heart of a person.

Here are a few highlights from 2014, with a little more back story behind the "highlight reel" Instagram pictures.

1. In February we opened our home to two amazing, God-honoring women who travel the country with LifeAction Ministries. I treasure those three weeks. And I thank God for Lindsay and Kendra.

As much fun as we had, God challenged me deeply and rocked me to the core. I saw how I can be a "cactus", hard and prickly, to people I love most. I saw how when I'm "squeezed" it's not always pretty what comes out. I had to come face to face with a lie I had covered up for years and ask for forgiveness. LifeAction was life-changing.

2. Bay and Cay became teenagers in April. How can that be?!

We aren't even a full year into their teenage years, but it's already been a ride. B and I are blessed with amazing girls. They love deeply and fight fiercely for what they believe. We have had to relinquish a little control on some areas and let them learn to make decisions for themselves. Because of their maturing age, we have had some hard conversations this year. There have been several family pow-wows in the living room full of tears, voices raised, and opinions made known. It hasn't always been pretty. They make mistakes. B and I make mistakes. I can recall two moments this year where we sat in two different Mexican restaurants and tears flowed because, you know what? Life is hard. God doesn't call us to comfort. That's hard to walk through as an adult, let alone trying to learn as a teenager. 

3. This year has also been full of digging into the Word and seeing just exactly who I am and who I was created to be.

I'm so thankful for Stuck and Restless, two studies by Jennie Allen, that forced me to get real with myself. It wasn't easy. It wasn't always fun. I still don't have everything figured out. But I'm closer. And I'm pressing on. 

4. Perhaps the most memorable thing of 2014, though, is something that can't be seen or captured in a picture. No, it's the times spent in prayer desperately seeking God. It's in feeling both the sting and healing balm words brought to our hearts during moments of transparency. It's church services that convicted, challenged, and confirmed what God is doing in our lives. It's in laying aside what's easy and picking up what we are called to do, no matter the cost.

And so now here we are, the last day of 2014. I've spent a lot of time reflecting this morning. I'm so thankful for this year. Hard? Yes! A million times yes. But I'm confident it will be worth it. In so many areas of life right now I'm ready to exhale the old and inhale the new. 

"Forget about what's happened;

don't keep going over old history.

Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand-new.

It's bursting out! Don't you see it?

There it is! I'm making a road through the desert, 

rivers in the badlands."

Isaiah 43:18-19 MSG

Press On

With time running out in 2013, I find myself, like most people, reflecting. While eating dinner tonight I asked Brandon and the girls about the year. There were highlights like Hannah visiting, being baptized, reading through the Bible, running a 5K, and a few more. We talked about the Catching Fire obsession and decided that was a really fun week. The girls, of course, talked about "their" horses in Oklahoma, and oh how they adore Warden, Tinkerbell, and Preacher. All in all I'd say 2013 was a nice, low-key, normal year full of the ebbs and flows of everyday life. Nothing life-altering or earth-shattering. Just normal. And normal is good. 

But. 

I can't get this quote out of my head. It's been running on repeat for days. And I'm convinced I have so much to learn from it this coming year. 

"Looking back has value; but I'm convinced pressing on has more." ~Terri Kern

I'll be honest. I've been looking back. A lot. Not just at this past year, but the past few years. And I'm not just talking about looking back at our past addresses, like some people might think. I'm looking at myself as a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I'm looking at how B and I have been serving, each other and those around us. I'm looking at Baylee and Caylee and how they've grown up overnight it seems and are no longer those wild haired toddlers, running the three acres of Arnold Acres. I can so easily get stuck in the comforts of the past. Why? Because that's easy. 

But.

I feel there is more. I know there is more. There has to be more. 

I'm not sure what 2014 has in store for us. I could sit here and write out some detailed resolutions, but let's be honest, I did that this time last year and I failed. Miserably. I didn't lose 80lbs. I didn't stick to the no cell phone rule consistently. And more times than not I still let my mood be based on circumstances, a sure sign of a lack of being content. And you know what? I could easily look back and beat myself up about it. But what good would that do? 

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to look back. I'm going to see the value in this past year. I'm going to see it for what it was, the good and the bad. But I'm not going to get stuck there. I'm going to turn my head forward and press on. 

I'm going to press on in my walk with the Lord. 

I'm going to press on in my marriage.

I'm going to press on as a mother, in this year my daughters become teenagers.

I'm going to press on in my relationships. 

I'm going to press on in my battle with my weight and health.

I'm going to press on in how I use my gifts and abilities to serve my local church.

I'm going to press on and continue to find my place in this great big world. 

Happy New Year, friends. Press On. 

Catch up with special guest bloggers

One day last week while driving to school, the girls wanted to know about my blog. They told me they loved going back and reading it and wanted to know why I hadn't updated in awhile. I don't know, I guess I was struggling with their privacy. They're in junior high and that can be a hard path to navigate with all the growing up and changing. And while I wanted to document it, I also wanted to respect them. So I just resorted to Facebook and Instagram and let the blog slide. But since I have their approval, and even request, I hope to fill this space more often. And what better way than to have guest bloggers? The following is straight from the mouths of Baylee and Caylee.

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Catching Fire

It was absolutely amazing and I cried three times. It was probably the best movie I ever laid my eyes on. Oscar worthy for the entire cast. The wardrobe is absolutely beautiful. The arena is so brought to life and detailed, making the book easier to understand. It had a horrible cliffhanger. Francis Lawernce (the director) is awesome. We can't wait until Mockingjay. I love, as in love times a billion, the love triangle between Katniss and Peeta because Jennifer Lawrence and Josh Hutcherson had to do that. And I am a Joshifer fan for life.

Our beautifully awesome fireplace we decorated for Catching Fire Week. Like Shark Week, but even better. 

Our beautiful nails that Mommer did. A lot of people commented on them. They were very bright in the movie theater. They shined in the light. "this little light of mine. I'm gonna let it shine."

Our beautiful, beautiful mom and we had just got our hair done by a random lady in the mall. We had time, so we stopped and let her piddle-do.

Look at our glow in the dark shoes. 

Look at Jennifer Lawrence. She knows how to shoot a bow and arrow. Impressive. Look at those shirts. And our lanyards. I loved our lanyards. I felt like a VIP with the lanyard. We got the lanyards because we went on November 21, the special feature before the opening night, for the Hunger Double.

Photobooth Fun

This is what we do on our free time. :) 

Caylee takes after her father.

I am not trying to kiss Caylee. She's a cyclops. 

Caylee. Isn't she adorable? Just the cutest thing.

Did she just get plastic surgery?!

Baylee. Awww! Squat face. Am I related to a zucchini? 

Joshifer Obsession

(Disclaimer: Bay and Cay are beyond obsessed with Jennifer Lawrence and Josh Hutcherson. They are full of Joshifer trivia and if you think you can stump them, next time you see them ask them a question.)

Jen & Josh are meant to be. They, just like, are perfect together. They are so awesome. They can talk about each others underwear problems and not even feel weird, I mean, come on. According to them, their first phone conversation was 45 minutes long and covered demons, possessions, ghosts, and catheters. You can just tell they love each other because Josh said "Katniss is played by Miss Jennifer Lawrence, the talented and the beautiful." And, like, Jennifer said when she was asked to describe Josh "he is devastatingly handsome and super charming". This proves that they love each other!!! She started kissing him in an interview. Not a passionate kind of way kissing, it wasn't gross, it was just perfect for Joshifer fans to lay their eyes on. We have their whole wedding planned out. They need to get married in the land of blueberries. And have cute little Joshifer babies, they'll be little angels. Well, we hope they're angels and not demons. They love each other and miss each other when they're not together!!! 

This is in July at the San Diego Comic Con. Look how she's gazing into his eyes. She loves him so much. You can see it!

This is just a randomly awesome cute picture. :)

That's all we have now. May the odds be ever in your favor. 

- BK & SnickerDoodleMule!

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Well, folks, that is a glimpse into my world. Everything between the asterisks is all them. They spoke, I typed. We all laughed. They chose the pictures, wrote the captions. I think we may be on to something here. I might have to let Bay (aka "BK" in their sign off) and Cay (aka "SnickerDoodleMule!" in their sign off) make more guest appearances on this blog. Bay is hoping for once a week (or more) and already has ideas brewing. She wants to vlog, as well. Oh dear. I might've created blogging monsters! :)

Raised to walk in newness of life

When the girls were a few months old Brandon and I stood before our home church in Oklahoma and dedicated them to the Lord. We were making a public profession that we would raise them in a Christian home and church, cover them in prayer, and trust them into God's hands. We've had so much help along the way. From grandparents, to Sunday School teachers, pastors, and dear friends, we aren't alone in raising them in the Lord. We never once pressured our girls into a relationship with Christ, but instead let the Holy Spirit be their guide. When they were eight years old, they both accepted Him as their Savior (not at the same time, but a few months apart, actually), but had never been obedient in believer's baptism. Until last week, that is.

Our church had been having revival and on Tuesday night Caylee couldn't tell me fast enough that she wanted to be baptized the following night. As I was talking to her, Baylee told me that she, too, was wanting to be baptized. It is so cool how God worked this out. We all know how much Bay and Cay love horses, right? Well, since the church was planning for a lot of baptisms (turns out there was over 80 that night), they had set up three horse troughs at the front. So, yeah. Baylee and Caylee, the horse enthusiasts, were baptized in a horse trough. Perfect!

They were baptized by their youth pastor, and our friend, Josh. I had my big camera, video camera, and iPhone ready, but the church had arranged for photographers to capture the moment, so I kept my good camera in the bag and snapped away with my phone. And I handed the video camera to a stranger behind me. Ha!

Baylee

Caylee

Fresh out of the water!

Grammy and Grandpa were able to come for the special night!

Josh and the girls

We know our job of raising them in the Lord is far from over. Yes, they've taken the first steps. Now we continue to grow, all of us, together.