Today was another snow day and because the headache and nausea was gone, I had a little extra pep in my step. I branched out and made two new W30 compliant recipes and loved them both! Score! I also started digging into my book and oh my. I can already tell you why I've been struggling with this issue my entire life. And like the book says, it all starts with food. Wow. I'm blown away and barely made a dint in the book!
Cooking is therapeutic. I found out today that when I cook something and it's delicious AND life-giving, it's even extra rewarding! WooHoo!
The beginnings of a spinach and tomato frittata.
Oh my was this tasty. And I wasn't even sure I'd like the cooked spinach and tomatoes!
Breakfast
Spinach and tomato frittata, avocado, compliant bacon, and berries
Afternoon reading
Snow day chilling - They're eating not so compliant W30 food and I'm reading my book. Ha! I've got some work to do in this family!
Lunch
Mixed greens salad, boiled egg, grilled chicken, lemon juice and olive oil for dressing, carrots and not shown are some clementines and walnuts.
And then I went and got all chefy for dinner. Okay, maybe not. But I had no clue what I was doing and just based stuff off of what I'd seen online and came up with this concoction (and I'm, by nature, a recipe follower. So this was stepping out of the box!)
Dinner
Sweet potato and ground beef hash served over sautéed green beans. And not shown, an apple.
(It tasted better than it looks. Ha!)
How I'm feeling...
Mentally: Very good! I think just not having a pounding headache today helped a lot. And trying two new things that I ended up really enjoyed was a plus, too.
Physically: Very good! I noticed today I wasn't as groggy in the afternoon as I usually am. Could be because we've been pretty low key with the snow days, so I'll see how tomorrow goes.
Craving: Nothing specific today. Again, I was satisfied with my food, that probably helped. Although those crunchy Cheetos are still staring me in the face!
What a difference a day makes! Yesterday I felt okay physically. Sure there was some nagging emptiness going on, but nothing painful. Today? A completely different story!
We had another snow day, and after staying up late to talk with B once he landed in Paris, I happily made sure my alarm was turned off. I was looking forward to sleeping in on a school day. (That never gets old no matter the age!) My body had a different idea though! I was awaken at promptly 6am to a pounding head. I remember thinking "Oh no, is it already happening and my body is mad at me?!". I was so thankful to have the ability to keep sleeping, hoping I could sleep it off. I tossed and turned and the pounding just wouldn't let me get comfortable. Finally I dozed back off, but when I woke back up at 8, it was just as intense. I hopped out of bed, went to the kitchen and grabbed some grapes and a banana. The plan was to get a little something on my stomach, take some ibuprofen, and make a real breakfast when I felt better.
Well, let's just say this wasn't the last time I saw these fruits. Nausea sat in not long after I ate them and they didn't stay in my system long. I don't know if I caught a little bug or what, but my body wasn't happy this morning. And the headache is still lingering. Luckily the nausea started to wear off by this evening. But man! Day two kicked my booty!
B called while I was still resting in bed with a cold washcloth on my head. He didn't know I was feeling yucky, so bless him, this is what he had to see when he FaceTimed me. I captured his face perfectly when I told him I had thrown up twice. Ha!!
Around noon I thought I should try to eat some protein and heated up some chicken I had cooked yesterday. I also got my new book in the mail and considered it a happy mail day. Unfortunately the throbbing head kept me from digging into the book like I wanted, but maybe tomorrow!
I had little to no appetite today, but made sure I ate a little here and there. I thoroughly enjoyed this snack of clementines and walnuts! What is it about fresh, cold fruit that tastes so delicious when you feel yucky?! It hit the spot!
Dinner was super simple. No desire to cook anything new and the head was still pounding. So a quick salad with chicken and an apple and almond butter.
I will say this, as much as I hate this pounding head, nausea, and yucky stuff, it did help me not worry about food today. So that was a plus! I definitely didn't feel deprived of anything today because I was basically forcing myself to eat. Ha!
Now tomorrow? It's kind of worrying me. I hear I'll be hitting a wall soon, especially days 4-5. But day two is done! And I'm glad to see it leave. Don't know if any of what I dealt with was Whole30 related, but hopefully after a good night's rest, I'll be ready to conquer day three.
How I'm feeling...
Mentally: Worried about tomorrow, but thankful I wasn't faced with many struggles today since I felt bleh.
Physically: Like a hammer hasn't stopped hitting my head since I woke up. Nausea was annoying, glad it seems to have left.
Craving: Nothing today. Except I did want ketchup with my chicken this afternoon. Of all things?! Haha! And I really wished my almond butter was peanut butter, but peanuts are a no-no on W30.
Well, friends, Day 1 of this Whole30 journey is officially in the books! It was kind of an unusual day for a few reasons...
1. Today is Brandon's 33rd birthday and I dropped him off at the airport at 8 o'clock this morning so he could fly to Paris, France for the week. Such a horrible way to spend a birthday week, huh? ;)
2. We had another snow day today so the girls and I chilled at home.
3. I'm learning how to navigate this cleaner way of eating.
So add all three of those things together and it was just an odd day. I had contact with B until this afternoon and since he left Atlanta I've just been stalking the FlightTrack app until he lands. Ha! Normal snow days consist of yummy comfort food. Last week we had cinnamon rolls one day and then homemade biscuits and gravy the next. Missing my boy and snow falling outside screams "Give me all the food in the world!". But there was none of that today! I stayed focused and as the day comes to the end I can say I am proud.
I'll be honest, I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed. Part of me is focusing solely on these next 30 days. Can I stay committed? Will I see a change? But then my mind begins to wander...."Cari, it's going to take a lot longer than 30 days to reach your goals. How will you do this for the rest of your life?" I'm convinced this is more of a mind game than anything. I don't know how I will make a change for the rest of my life. My track record isn't very good. But I do know I have committed to these next 30 days. And I succeeded on the first day. I'll celebrate that and begin to focus on Day two. Day by day, that's all I can do.
B should be landing in the next 30 minutes or so. I need him to be safe soon because I really want a snack! Not gonna ruin today's efforts though! But I really want some crunchy Cheetos! ;)
*****
This is my "Here we go!" before pic. I wanted to remember that moment.
Breakfast
Two hard boiled eggs, 1/2 of an avocado, 1 slice of W30 compliant bacon,
strawberries and blueberries
Lunch
Salad with lemon juice and olive oil, sautéed cherry tomatoes, 1 W30 compliant spicy chicken sausage link, sliced carrots, green grapes
Dinner
Half of a butterflied chicken breast, sautéed green beans with garlic, baked sweet potato with a smudge of ghee and cinnamon
How I'm feeling...
Mentally: A mixture of pride for succeeding today and extremely overwhelmed.
Physically: I feel good, have an empty feeling in my stomach after I eat. Maybe because my stomach is used to more? But good grief! Look at all the food I ate today! Sad to say I normally eat until I'm stuffed and hurting.
Craving: A handful of crunchy cheetos or vanilla wafers. I guess I'm wanting a crunch tonight?
(I plan on blogging each day with how I'm feeling and then pictures of what I ate for the day.)
This is it. I've taken my last bites of food I think I need & love. The weekend was full of endulging & now I say goodbye grains, dairy, sugar & everything else that isn't Whole30 compliant. I have a jumble of emotions going on. It's a mixed bag of nerves and excitement and ohmygoshwhatamidoing and please let this be the last time I have to start over and I don't want to fail again and... and... and..... I know this isn't going to be easy. But I'm hopeful it will be worth it.
I've had nothing but amazing support given to me. So many good conversations have been had & hopefully it's just the beginning. The icing on the cake was the cashier at Fresh Market this afternoon. She took the time to initiate a conversation & in doing so I was able to find out she had lost 120 pounds in three years. Wow! It's so amazing to talk with someone who has walked in your shoes. So thank you, cashier lady. Thank you for making me cry, giving me hope, but most of all for reminding me I can do this.
When I decided on the phrase "Be Brave" for my 2015 theme, I never could have imagined the outpouring of support I would receive. I have been gifted (anonymously) a beautiful shirt that says "Brave", I have been sent scriptures to encourage me to lean on Him for strength, Facebook messages, and even face to face reminders that He made me brave. It's been amazing!! I'm so thankful for the support.
What I've realized, though, is for me to be brave, it also means I have to be real. So it's about to get all kinds of real on this blog. Are you ready? I'm not sure I am, but I'm going to do it anyway! Here we go...
I am, by nature, a very visual person. Tell me a story? I'll picture it in detail. Need to teach me something? Better let me watch (or let me do it with my own hands!). Sitting in school (back in the day) or at church? Give me a pen so I can doodle and write and seewhat I'm hearing. Want to remember something? Take a picture if possible!
Like I said, I'm visual. So to say I had a major wake up call last week is an under statement. I am well aware of my size, well aware. Booths, seat belts, and clothes are a constant reminder. But when I went into a David's Bridal last week and there were mirrors everywhere, I about went nuts. I mean, I avoid mirrors at all cost. But guys, you can't argue with something that is screaming reality in your face and those mirrors were screaming!
I have been battling my size (I'm purposely not saying weight. There is so much more to this than a number on a scale.) my entire life. I've done WeightWatchers, did low/no fat, counted calories, went vegan, worked out hardcore, did a 24Day Advocare challenge, and I still struggle. Y'all, I think everything I have tried has potential to be effective. I mean, you can't argue the success stories. But for some reason I can't get anything to stick for ME. Three years ago I lost a lot of weight (going vegan), but once I started giving in to the little treats here and there, I all but gave up and the visual person in me can no longer deny the changes. I see it in my face, in the way my clothes fit (or don't!), and I really saw it in those mirrors a few days ago.
So what am I to do? I'll be honest, I've considered a weight-loss surgery of some sort. But I know myself too well and know my love for food. Did you catch that last part? My love for food. Y'all, I'm addicted to it, I'm convinced. I love to eat it. I love to cook it. I love to serve it. There is no surgery or set of pills that will fix that.
In addition to my food issues, I also have polycystic ovarian syndrome. This hormonal disorder makes losing weight very difficult and gaining weight very easy. It causes my body to be insulin resistant and over time, with my PCOS and family history, the chances of becoming diabetic increases greatly. It's something I'm going to have to battle for the rest of my life. And I think I came up with a game plan.
Beginning next week I am going to reset my body. I will be going Whole30 in hopes those 30 days will make me more aware of my addiction and help regulate my body's hormones. I will say goodbye to grains, dairy, and sugar and instead focus on whole, real foods. It will not be easy. And I'm going to guess it won't be fun (for the first few days especially!), but I'l be honest. I'm kind of getting excited. I've been doing a lot of research and I see a light. I have new recipes ready to whip up and that makes me smile (remember how I love to cook?! I can still do that!). I'm not naive and expect this to be a quick fix. But I do see it as a much needed step towards acknowledging my relationship with food and hopefully over time positive changes will be a result.
So here's to taking another brave step. I plan on blogging my way through these hard, potentially life changing 30 days. I truly believe accountability will be key. Call me out on it, people! Or if you're feeling crazy, join me on this journey.
But before I take the leap, I have a day in the kitchen preparing for B's birthday dinner tonight. And let's just say it's not Whole30 approved. Just keeping it real. ;)
Two years ago Brandon challenged me and sparked a new tradition and he didn't even realize it! While discussing New Year's resolutions, he said he wished I could just be content no matter the situation. And so began my word of the year. For 2013 it was "Content" and last year I chose the phrase "Press On". I can't say that I have mastered either contentment or pressing on, they'll always be a work in progress, but it did help me to have them at the forefront of my thinking. It kept things in perspective when I'd get overwhelmed.
This year I was a little slower in choosing a word/phrase. I was kind of avoiding the whole process until I got a text from one of my sweet college girls who wanted to share her word with me. She was on top of things and seeing her enthusiasm challenged me to narrow in on my theme for 2015.
Honestly, I already knew what it was going to be. It's something I've been dealing with for a long time, but for the most part ignoring and laughing off. And the fact that I was struggling to commit to it was proof in itself that this is exactly the road I need to travel this year.
You see, to know me is to know one of my famous catchphrases... "That makes me nervous." I say it to be silly and I say it when I am so very serious. But in every situation, it's a scapegoat. It's my comfort. And it's my excuse to not do whatever is staring me in the face and causing those anxious feelings.
And I'm so over it.
At the beginning of the school year I chose verses to pray over each of my girls. For Baylee I chose Colossians 3:23, "Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men...". I desire for her to seek approval in God and not in things of this world. I don't want her to get weighed down in comparing herself to others that she loses sight of who she is in Him. I pray in all she does she gives it her best effort, not to please me or B, or teachers, or friends, but to please Him because that's what He's called her to do.
For Caylee's verse I chose Proverbs 3:26, "...for the Lord will be your confidence...". As a twin it can be easy to step back and let your sibling take over. I've seen that in Caylee. I desire for her to find her own voice, to hold her head high, to make eye contact. I pray she finds a Godly confidence in who she is and walks boldly in who she was created to be. Though a twin, she is uniquely gifted and I pray she sees value in that.
When I chose those verses for their eighth grade year, I had no idea at the time it would be a precursor for my 2015 theme. As I wrestled with narrowing down what it was going to be, I kept coming back to Proverbs 3:26. "...for the Lord will be your confidence...". When I was wide awake and my mind racing at three in the morning, I knew exactly what my theme would be.
Be brave. Find confidence in Him to be who He created me to be.
There are so many areas I need to be brave this year...
*I think of a road we are about to travel as a family and it will take being brave to walk it. It will require us to be confident in the calling He has placed on us, no matter the cost.
*I think of my struggle with my weight and it will take being brave to conquer it. Instead of trying to find confidence in a number on a scale or a certain clothing size, I must first find my confidence in Him. When I do that, I think I will have success.
*I think of the gifts and talents He has given me and how for so long they have gone unused. I might dabble in them here and there, but I have to be brave and use them! I can't let them go to waste.
*I think of relationships and the intentionality it takes to develop true, meaningful community. It's not easy to put yourself out there, at least it's not for me. I have to be brave and walk confidently that He will lead me to lasting friendships that will challenge and encourage.
*I think of financial goals and the bravery it will take to say no to certain things to reach where we want to be, but also saying yes to how He asks us to use our money, His money.
*I think of dreams and how I am just now beginning to dream for myself. What does that even mean? I'm still trying to figure that out and it's sure going to take being brave to do so!
*I also think of all the unknowns. Yes, we all can have a plan for our lives. But I've seen over and over how those plans can change in an instant. Who knows what my life will look like in just a few months, or next year? I can't predict the future. But I can begin to prepare for whatever lies ahead. And so I choose to be brave.
Putting this all in written words is in itself terrifying to me. I've tried to write this post for days now, but just now finding the confidence to do so. Because if it's just in my head, I can talk myself out of it. But now that it's out there for anyone to see and challenge me on, that takes commitment. Even now I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes me want to say "Oh this makes me so nervous." But I recently read something Jennie Allen said, "If you ever want to do anything of significance, you have to learn to love the sick tense feeling in your belly instead of hate it."
So here I am. This is me for this year. I choose to be brave. I choose to not be overwhelmed by fear that I miss out on what God has in store for me. I choose to walk in His confidence knowing He has called me His and has placed me here for such a time as this. Will I fail? Oh, of course! Will I give up? No way.
Last spring I fell in love with a song by Bethel Music. It's called "You Make Me Brave". I played it on repeat and belted those words. And then one day in the car I was singing it and I looked at Brandon and said, "How can I even sing those words if I don't mean them? How can I say He makes me brave if I'm scared all of the time?" Y'all, that was months ago! Are you beginning to see my struggle here? Because the struggle is real. But I can be brave because He makes me brave. I can't find that confidence in my own strength, only His. He is our banner, He goes before us, so what is there to be afraid of?!
I don't know what is giving you that sick feeling in your gut today, but I pray you find strength and confidence in Him to face it. Be brave, my friends.
"Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong."
I didn't intend to go a year without blogging. There were many "blog-worthy" events that happened this year, most of which were documented through social media and shared with family and friends. So while this blog has been neglected this year, it hasn't been forgotten. I'm not quite sure what made me go back to this post a couple of weeks ago, but I did. I sat on my couch and cried as I read it. And it's been in my head ever since. This is one of those posts that I remember nearly every detail about writing. I was sitting on my bed, having just watched the ball drop on tv. And in those moments I had the same feeling I have right now... a sense of newness and freshness. An exhale of the old, ready to breathe in the new.
At the time I couldn't see all that 2014 would bring, but I was ready to press on no matter what. I sat in anticipation of what God was going to do personally in my life, and in the life of our family. It was only fitting my "theme" for the year was press on, because goodness did I need that reminder. This year was hard. An outsider looking in would probably see something different. They'd see the Instagram worthy pictures of the fun and easy moments of 2014. But what people can't see through the lens of social media, is what God is doing in the heart of a person.
Here are a few highlights from 2014, with a little more back story behind the "highlight reel" Instagram pictures.
1. In February we opened our home to two amazing, God-honoring women who travel the country with LifeAction Ministries. I treasure those three weeks. And I thank God for Lindsay and Kendra.
As much fun as we had, God challenged me deeply and rocked me to the core. I saw how I can be a "cactus", hard and prickly, to people I love most. I saw how when I'm "squeezed" it's not always pretty what comes out. I had to come face to face with a lie I had covered up for years and ask for forgiveness. LifeAction was life-changing.
2. Bay and Cay became teenagers in April. How can that be?!
We aren't even a full year into their teenage years, but it's already been a ride. B and I are blessed with amazing girls. They love deeply and fight fiercely for what they believe. We have had to relinquish a little control on some areas and let them learn to make decisions for themselves. Because of their maturing age, we have had some hard conversations this year. There have been several family pow-wows in the living room full of tears, voices raised, and opinions made known. It hasn't always been pretty. They make mistakes. B and I make mistakes. I can recall two moments this year where we sat in two different Mexican restaurants and tears flowed because, you know what? Life is hard. God doesn't call us to comfort. That's hard to walk through as an adult, let alone trying to learn as a teenager.
3. This year has also been full of digging into the Word and seeing just exactly who I am and who I was created to be.
I'm so thankful for Stuck and Restless, two studies by Jennie Allen, that forced me to get real with myself. It wasn't easy. It wasn't always fun. I still don't have everything figured out. But I'm closer. And I'm pressing on.
4. Perhaps the most memorable thing of 2014, though, is something that can't be seen or captured in a picture. No, it's the times spent in prayer desperately seeking God. It's in feeling both the sting and healing balm words brought to our hearts during moments of transparency. It's church services that convicted, challenged, and confirmed what God is doing in our lives. It's in laying aside what's easy and picking up what we are called to do, no matter the cost.
And so now here we are, the last day of 2014. I've spent a lot of time reflecting this morning. I'm so thankful for this year. Hard? Yes! A million times yes. But I'm confident it will be worth it. In so many areas of life right now I'm ready to exhale the old and inhale the new.
"Forget about what's happened;
don't keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand-new.
It's bursting out! Don't you see it?
There it is! I'm making a road through the desert,
