Ten years

Pslam 131

My heart is not proud, Lord,

my eyes are not haughty;

I do not concern myself with great matters

or things too wonderful for me.

But I have calmed and quieted myself,

I am like a weaned child with its mother;

like a weaned child I am content.

Israel, put your hope in the LORD

both now and forevermore.

Ten years ago Psalm 131 was my sister’s daily devotional. She never read it, as she was heavily sedated and nearing the end of her nine month battle with an aggressive form of cancer. After she passed late that night I opened her devotion book for comfort and found that day’s reading so very fitting.

Brenna wasn’t concerned with things too great or wonderful for her. And on December 18, 2002 she calmed and quieted her soul and was content in the presence of Jesus. She had put all her hope in Him.

It’s been 10 years. An entire decade since my sister was here with us. How is that even possible? One third of my life has now been lived without her. Unreal. I’m always hesitant to document Brenna’s passing each year. I don’t want to come across as morbid or stuck in the past. But I desperately don’t want her to be forgotten. I don’t want people to forget her unique sense of humor. Her generosity. Her independence. Her smile.

Everyday without her is hard. I long to talk to her. Even yesterday I read a Christmas card for a sister and thought how perfect it would be for her. And then I remember she’s gone. Yes, it’s still gut wrenching, but then I’m reminded she’s not in pain anymore. No more chemotherapy. No more raditation. No more seizures. And the most comfort of all comes from scripture, for it promises to be absent from this body is to be present with the Lord.

I can hear Brenna’s beautiful alto voice now singing praises to her King. I see Velia Kincade and Maguerite Kern in that choir. My Papa Burl and Grandma Arnold are there as well, though they are probably at the river fishing. There is also a young man named Dakota Hawkins there, whom Brenna never met, and I can only wonder if he and Brenna got to witness the beautiful meeting of their mother’s this past Sunday.

And so on this day, when it’s easy to get overwhelmed in grief, I will rejoice in Brenna’s life and rest assured she’s in a much better place. When I find myself sad during this Christmas season, I will remember it’s because of God’s gift, His son Jesus, that Brenna is eternally whole. Praise His name!