A brave recap

To be brave in 2015 was to...

• Admit publicly that I struggle with fear. To realize it's not funny or cute, but a lack of faith.
• Confess I battle food addiction and document 30 days of clean eating.
• Acknowledge all the progress I made in those 30 days has been lost and it's back to square one.
• Say goodbye to a place that had been home for years. 
• Say hello to a completely new place, new faces, new friends.
• Throw out a plea on social media and open my home for a Bible study.
• Surrender my words to God.
• Return to my home church in Oklahoma for their spring banquet, not to attend, but to be the speaker.
• Attend a run clinic with my girls and complete a 5K.
• Join a community center and attend group exercise classes for the first time ever. 
• Wear sleeveless workout tops. 
• Send our girls on a camping trip with mostly strangers.
• Adjust to B's frequent traveling & trust God with each trip.
• Be a wedding coordinator. 
• Join a women's lifegroup all by myself. 
• Mow my front yard.
• Realize some friendships are only for a season.
• Tribe coach with B.
• Open my heart and eyes to the Holy Spirit in a way I never have before.
• Support B in a new position at work.
• Be silent.
• Forgive. 
• Ask for forgiveness. 
• Friday night lifegroup with B.
• Monday morning Bible study.
• Body and Soul 
• Walk a very hard and difficult road with a friend and realize favor isn't fair.
• Be completely carless & rely on the generosity of friends for transportation.
• Sharing my story, along with B, to RealLife leaders.
• Watch our girls drive for the first time.
• Take a stand against Satan & recognize spiritual warfare for what it is.
• ... & so much more!

Whew! What a year! I don't share any of these examples as a way to pat myself on the back. Truth is, I wish I could say I have this whole "Be Brave" thing down. But I don't. Many times this year I failed miserably & stubbornly chose to not be brave. It will always be a work in progress for me. It will always be in my human nature to say "no, that makes me nervous" and then shrink back to the corner and hide. It will always require me to turn to God, the one who makes me brave, and choose faith over fear time and time again. It's only because I know He has gone before me that I can confidently walk whatever road is in front of me. It is all because of Him.

Thank you, friends, for being such an encouragement this past year. The texts, private messages, gifts, pictures, and kind words always came at the perfect time. I listened to Bethel's "You Make Me Brave" the other night, and with tears in my eyes I sang it in a brand new way. One year ago I couldn't sing it without feeling guilty. That night I sang it & praised God for His faithfulness & for not giving up on me. I can't thank you enough for being brave with me in 2015 and encouraging me along the way.

I'm ready for 2016! God has already confirmed my theme for the new year. I'm excited to share it with you soon!

“The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds' feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!”

‭‭Habakkuk‬ ‭3:19‬ ‭AMP‬‬

Using My Words

Sometimes you just need to write, ya know? And by write, I guess tonight I mean type. But goodness do I still love a fresh notebook & pen. Or pencil, depending the mood. ;) Anyway, back to the whole writing bit. God has laid it on my heart the last few months to use my words. 

While at this Hillsong Young & Free concert the first of March, I felt the presence of God compelling me to use my words. As I sang the chorus of "End of Days"...."I'm gonna sing until my voice won't let me. As thunders roar I'll shout your praise. You're the God of everlasting wonder, your love outlasts the end of days".... I surrendered my words to Him. I had no idea what that meant at the time, but I knew that's what He was calling me to do. 

Just a few days later, I had a Facebook message asking me to be the speaker at the women's spring banquet at my home church in Oklahoma. What?! Not on my radar, but God had began preparing me for that. He was preparing me at the concert. He was preparing me with my Be Brave theme He laid on my heart at the beginning of the year. It was a no brainer. I knew speaking at that banquet, as out of my element as it would be, was my next step. 

And so I did it. 

Rather, God did it through me. The theme was Be Brave, & while I can't recall what all I said (because, honestly, the highlights in my head are asking if putting water on the cross podium was sacrilegious, kicking my shoes off in the middle of it because I didn't like the noise they were making on the stage, & encouraging the women to take off their masks), he's what I wanted to say... 

1. Be real.

Be real with yourself. Be real with God. Be real with other people. Don't hide behind some ridiculously stupid mask. That's exhausting! I don't know what crazy person convinced Christians that we are required to wear masks & to make it look like we have it all together, but if I ever meet them I want to slap them. There is so much danger in hiding. Trust me. I speak from experience. So be real, friends. If the people around you can't handle it. Good! They weren't your people to begin with. Go find those people who know how to mix grace with Truth & hang out with them. 

2. Fear does not come from the Father. 

Nope. It just doesn't. It's straight from the father of lies, Satan (John 8:44). God doesn't give us a spirit of fear (2Tim 1:7). In fact, where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom (2Corinth 3:17-18)! And why fear when He is right there with us (Isaiah 41:10)?! Again, I'm talking to myself. I'm the queen of being afraid, but I'm working on it & learning to tell Satan to get off my back, He's not going to keep me down any longer. 

3. We are God's arrows. 

He created us & knit us together perfectly. Fearfully & wonderfully were we made (Psalm 139:13-14)! He created us for a purpose! A purpose only we can fulfill (Ephesians 2:10), not so we can boast in ourselves, but so He can receive the glory!

4. Being brave simply means to walk in obedience to the call He has placed on your life. 

I told the ladies I didn't have a 12 step program to tell them how to be brave & overcome their fears. I could only tell them one thing. And that's just to surrender. Live your life palms open for God to give & take away what He sees fit. Whatever passions He's given you, use it to make Him known. The season of hardship He has you in, walk confidently that there is a purpose in it! Don't shrink back in fear. Choose faith over fear. Over & over, faith over fear. In big things, in small things, in everything, faith over fear. Oh! And another thing. Do not compare your bravery with someone else's. We all have different paths we are on & bravery looks different person to person. But there's an overriding thing in everyone, and that's obedience. 

So. Yeah. That's what I wanted to get out. I think I rambled & told stories about me throwing a fit & tossing papers in the air when B asked me to do a simple task. And I know I briefly mentioned Habbakuk 3:19, the theme verse that I forgot to mention until the end. Hey, I'm not a professional & I have a newfound respect for pastors & speakers who do this all of the time. I'm just trusting what I did say was God orchestrated & God ordained. 

I used my words. And for whatever reason, God compelled me to use my words tonight & blog about it. 

Y'all. Life is hard. There's hurt & sickness & family problems & work issues & big decisions looming & everything in between. But it doesn't have to be done alone. He is our helper if we call on Him. He's just waiting. 

I don't know what your brave is right now. But I'm guessing you do. That feeling in the pit of your stomach when you think of something you're supposed to do? Yep. That's probably it. Choose faith over fear, friends. I have that feeling now as I type, but I'm going to hit publish anyway! I pray someone is encouraged. And remember, we aren't alone. He strengthens us. So hold your head high & be brave! 

"The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds' feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!" 

Habakkuk 3:19 AMP

Fourteen years later...

This time 14 years ago I was beginning my fifth day in Hillcrest hospital. Preeclampsia was sitting in & I was under constant monitoring. I was enjoying several spicy chicken sandwiches a day thanks to the Wendy's close to the hospital & had a steady stream of friends & family coming to see me. It was an emotional roller coaster for my 18 year old self. 

On the morning of April 20, 2001 I woke up like I had the past few mornings... ready for another day of waiting. Brandon had actually gone home for the first time the night before to work a shift at Goldie's that day & I was anticipating being transported back to a local hospital in Pryor to wait out the remainder of my pregnancy. I had just taken a bite of my delicious bacon biscuit sandwich & a doctor came in & said "Don't take another bite. We are taking your babies today." And with those words my world was forever changed. 

I called B & the next thing I knew he was at the hospital...in like 30 minutes, when it should've taken him over an hour to get to the hospital. Ha! My parents were there. Cyndi David stopped by & showed me pictures of Austin & Becky. Randy Wilson & Keith Burden, two of my pastors, came & prayed over me & my babies. Terri & Terry, my other mothers, were there to support & encourage me & their dearest friend, my mom. So many people came & walked this road with us. And as I try to recall that day I am, once again, overwhelmed with tears. 

I have never seen the body of Christ displayed so beautifully. I was an unmarried, 18 year old girl & was given grace upon grace. I didn't realize it then. In fact, I walked in guilt & felt unworthy of it for years. But now, 14 years later, I see the beauty of it all. I see The Church coming together to rally behind one of their own. No condemnation, just love. 

When the time came to be wheeled to the operating room I can still see my Dad's face. I can't imagine what was going through his head as he watched his baby head off to become a mother, but his words comforted me all the way down the hall, into the cold operating room, & even to today. "It'll be okay, baby", he said with the most encouraging and reassuring smile. I struggled at that moment to not lose it, but I somehow made it. And his words are still true. No matter what life has thrown or will throw at us, we will be okay. 

As they began to administer the spinal block I remember crying out to God. I surrendered my babies over to him as the needle entered my back. I didn't feel the pain because I felt His presence. Brandon came in the room with me & I'll never forget his reaction when I asked him if they had started. He gave me the most wide eyed look & matter of factly said "Yes". Apparently he got to see my blood all over the floor & the doctors getting busy with the delivery. I had no clue. I was content behind that curtain. Ha! 

And then, at 2:27pm, Baylee Kaye Beaver was born. She was a perfect 5 pounds, 9 ounces & 17&3/4 inches long. Once minute later, at 2:28pm, Caylee Lynn Beaver made her entrance into this great big world, weighing 4 pounds, 9 ounces & 18&1/2 inches long. And just like that, we were parents to two beautiful, perfectly healthy, God given gifts. 

Just like on the day 14 years ago, I feel that same uneasiness today. I don't have a clue what I'm doing. Parenting is hard. Some days I feel like "Whew! I did that right!". And then other days I go to bed in tears, beating myself up thinking I've ruined them for life. There isn't a parenting guide out there that can tell us how to best raise Baylee & Caylee. So I rely on mothers instinct & for God to guide us during these teen years & beyond. 

It's our prayer as they continue to grow & mature that they would even more so grow & mature in their walk with Christ. That they would always know how wide and long and high and deep the love of Christ is. That they would walk in a manner worthy of the calling He has placed on their lives. That even though they are twins, they are uniquely designed & there is no one in this world like them. They were both individually fearfully & wonderfully made & have a purpose only they can fulfill. 

Happy 14th birthday, Baylee & Caylee. My heart bursts with joy over you. I'm so thankful & very proud to be your mom.

W30:What I've learned

Well, I ended my first Whole30 five days ago. I had every intention of blogging a recap post ASAP, but guess what? I needed a brain break. A major "I don't want to think about W30, I don't want to blog about W30, I don't want to snap a pic of every.single.meal, I just want silence in my brain" break. And so that's what I did. Took a break. The introvert in me NEEDED the break.

Ahhhh. There. I feel better now. :)

Seriously, after 30 full days of THINKING (& a lot of OVERthinking), I was done. That's one of the major things I learned. To be successful, it requires work. Mental work. Ouch! Preparation is key. Without being prepared, there will not be success. (Funny how that goes with anything in life, huh? Not just in a W30 experience.) 

Preparation 

1. Make a menu. If you can for a week at a time, great! If not the whole week, at least just a few days out. It'll help in the thinking process. ;)

2. Have a variety in your fridge. Even with a menu set in place, there might be days you just can't stomach more broccoli. Have other quick fixes available so you don't call in a pizza. Or reach for Cheetos. ;) 

3. Speaking of variety, utilize Pinterest & Instagram for recipe ideas. I tried several new things in addition to my tried & true veggies & chicken dishes I'd throw together. There are so many amazing people on social media who have done the work for us & share their W30 friendly recipes. I can't wait to try out more new recipes I've recently found! 

Progress

The day I started W30 I marched myself into my weirdly lit bathroom & took a TON of before pictures. Did I love them? Umm, NO. They made me sad, made me mad, made me sick. I wanted to just sit & beat myself up for allowing myself to get to this place, again. But I didn't. I acknowledged what I saw (because, let's be real. I don't look in mirrors very often.) & moved on. I knew in 30 days I'd see a change. And I was right. Was it worth it to weigh, take measurements, & a gazillion before pictures? Heck, yes! SO glad I did! Am I ready to share everything yet? That'd be a no. But I will show progress in the red shirt. It's the most recognizable transformation. 

(Again, I apologize for the poor lighting & the iPad in some of these. I guess I should have B or one of the girls take the pics? These will just have to do.) 

Day 1

Y'all. That shirt was TIGHT! I'm the self proclaimed "Queen of Stretch", but this material had no give. I managed to get the clearance find on, but had no breathing room. It cut into my arms so much it hurt. It clung to every roll I had. It wasn't pretty. 

Day 30

I put that shirt on the morning of Day 30 just hoping I'd see an even better difference than I'd seen on Day 15. Well, I did! My mom was in town & I got to share the excitement with her. I showed her & the girls the before pics & we all smiled for joy. It was JUST WHOLE FOOD that made this change. Mind blown! I had Bay take some pics outside for me & we had a celebratory photo shoot. Haha! And then I wore it all day long as we were out & about shopping! Rewarded myself with a shirt & not food! Score!

(See Cay photobombing our shoot?! Lol!)

This pic is my favorite. I felt we'd been trying too hard (I'm not a model & Bay is not a professional photographer) & I wasn't liking pics we had. Bay finally said "Mom, look off into the abyss". It made me laugh, she snapped this pic, & the joy of Day 30 was captured. Thank you, Baylee!!

Results

My goal was to lose 15lbs on this journey. I thought that was reasonable. When I stepped on the scale on Day 30 I had lost a total of 19.5lbs! WooHoo! Although, I'll be honest, another half pound that morning would've been nice so I could say "20lbs!", but I won't complain. ;) I also measured & it's even more remarkable. I lost 16 inches overall. That's crazy talk! (Now, I'm sure there's a +/- to that number based on how I measured. I tried to do the best I could & measure exactly where I had measured before. So it's an approximate 16inches. ;) Haha!)

As far as clothing, I'm sure I'm down a size or two. But I haven't been shopping. I'm now comfortably wearing once too tight, didn't fit shirts. And my jeans are crazy loose, but making them work for the time being. 

Exercise 

I went two weeks into W30 before I even thought of exercise. Then the girls & I started the run clinic & I attended a few classes at the community center. It's my goal to incorporate exercise into my daily routine. I have a love/hate relationship with exercise. But don't we all? ;) 

Miscellaneous things I learned

1. I have an unhealthy obsession with the scale. But I'm not defined by the number it shows. I need to put it up for good & focus on health. I'll be honest, that'll be a hard habit to break. 

2. I feel & sleep so much better when I'm getting proper nutrition. B even noticed I wasn't snoring. (I mean, not that I was a crazy snoring machine before. ;))

3. My body is far more capable of doing more than I think it can. I am strong. I just have to choose to be. 

4. I am mentally weak. Period. 

5. My family & close friends rock. Period. 

6. Temptations are everywhere. Often as close as my own fridge & cabinets. I'm the only one responsible for how I handle those temptations. 

7. I don't miss gum or mints. 

8. Water is my BFF. And my bathroom a close second. ;) 

Moving On

I've been pretty lax the last few days. I haven't gone absolutely crazy, but I've given my brain a break. And get this. Some of the foods I once loved? Can't handle anymore. B & I went to On The Border & you won't believe it. I had one bite of salsa & not another. It just didn't taste good! I had a piece of toast with butter & jelly one morning (something I'd craved the last few days of W30) & it made my tongue tingle. Fake food hurts my mouth! My taste buds must've adjusted & then went into shock. Ha! 

I'm back on track as of now. My plan moving forward is to stick very closely to the Whole 30 program on a regular basis. I'll definitely be compliant at home for my meals & the best I can when eating out. Does that mean I'll be perfect all the time? No way! I'm going to live. And if that means eating a chocolate chip cookie at Bible study, I'm going to do that. But I'm not going to eat 15 like I used to. ;) 

Also, I am not a W30 expert. I had struggles & setbacks during my 30 days. But I never quit. I kept pressing on. Some days were easier than others, but there were A LOT of hard days. Thirty days isn't going to break the years worth of bad habits I'd created & been accustomed to. But those 30 days sure made me more aware of those habits. 

I'm thankful I took the time to invest in myself this past month. As a mom & wife, I tend to put myself on the back burner a lot. I think that's pretty normal, right ladies? But I have to take care of myself so I can take care of B & the girls. This will not be a quick fix. I still have 100+ pounds to lose. (And that's to get to a reasonably healthy weight, not a drastic goal.) There aren't any pills, programs, shakes, points, meetings, surgeries, or special energy drinks that are going to get me to where I need to be. For me, this is all a matter of the mind. I must recognize & appreciate whole, real food for what it is, be thankful for it, & nourish my body from the inside out. 

Finally, thank you, friends, for bearing with me. I hope I haven't been overly annoying. I share to encourage. I share to remind those out there struggling that you're not alone. We all have our battles. Some of us battle food. (That's me!) Some of us battle other things that have a hold on us. (That's me, too!) Life is better together! (Even if we can only be together via social media!)  

I'm sure I'll be back with updates as I continue on this journey. Until then, I leave you with this... 

"So eat your meals heartily, not worrying about what others say about you—you’re eating to God’s glory, after all, not to please them. As a matter of fact, do everything that way, heartily and freely to God’s glory. At the same time, don’t be callous in your exercise of freedom, thoughtlessly stepping on the toes of those who aren’t as free as you are. I try my best to be considerate of everyone’s feelings in all these matters; I hope you will be, too."

1 Corinthians 10:31-33 MSG

W30:Day 30

And here I am, day 30. Kind of hard to believe. I have a detailed post brewing in my head, but need a little more time to digest everything. So let's just go on to today's food. 

Breakfast

Lunch

Dinner

How I am feeling...

Mentally: Good, but a little overwhelmed. 

Physically: Great!

Craving: SUGAR

W30:Day 29

Tomorrow! Tomorrow! My last day is tomorrow! It's only a day away!!! 

I can't believe it! Four weeks ago today I started this journey. Scared up death I took a step into this unknown world. And here I am, so close to finishing. Thirty days seems long on day one, but really it flies by! 

On to the food!

I'm in desperate need of going to the store. I'm surprised I managed to scrounge up enough food today. But I did! 

Breakfast

I mixed it up today & did two fried eggs in ghee instead of scrambled eggs. Nice change. 

Lunch

It's spring break so I ate a late breakfast & then Bay & I deep cleaned her room. Next thing I know it was 4 o'clock. So I just grabbed some turkey slices & an apple with almond butter. And, yes, I just ate the last of the almond butter out of the tub. Ha!

Dinner

After run clinic hodge podge dinner. Salad with Tessemae's, sweet potato & broccoli, & I split my chicken portion up between the two bowls. Oh, & I had a banana too. 

How I am feeling...

Mentally: Good! The end is near!

Physically: Great!!

Craving: you guessed it... Chocolate chip cookies. 

Facebook must know my cravings. Look what showed up on my feed tonight. 

Chocolate chip cookies & tortillas. Yep, my two weaknesses. Ha!

Oh & poor B! He's taking up running so we can run together on Saturdays. Well, tonight he blew his knees out. Bless him. He can't help it he's awesomely fast!

W30:28

Final weekend has been survived!! And today was a test, let me tell you! B & girls had pizza for lunch, we went to see Insurgent, & I haven't been to the store & had to scramble to come up with meals. Eek! Thankfully I survived. Even took my own treat to the theater today to keep my hand out of the buttery popcorn...Kombucha. That was interesting. Ha! 

On to the food! 

Breakfast

Lunch

See the torture? Preparing my food with pizza boxes all around!!! 

Dinner

This was interesting. Had some broccoli & a sweet potato & needed a protein. So I fried my first egg. I've seen fried eggs on top of sweet potatoes all over W30 websites & I see why. It was pretty tasty. And satisfying. 

How I am feeling...

Mentally: Mixed emotions. The end is near. But then begins the even harder job...making this a lifestyle. 

Physically: Great!

Craving: Pizza & movie theater popcorn. ;) And chocolate chip cookies, of course!! 

W30:Day 26&27

The last Friday & Saturday night are behind me! Say what?! Can't believe I'm nearing the end of this W30 journey. I wasn't 100% compliant this weekend & guess what? I'm okay with that. 

It's late so let's just get on to the food. 

Friday

Breakfast

Lunch

Dinner

Here's where I went off the grid for a moment. B & I have this weekend to ourselves. The girls are camping with the youth group & so we had a date night last night. We went to Chuy's & I was prepared with what I was going to order. Taco salad, no cheese, fajita beef, salsa for dressing. And that's what I got. But it was date night, so I took a few bites of chips with a little creamy jalapeño. Pretty sure that's not gonna ruin me. Compliant? No. Living? Yes. I was able to leave completely satisfied with my healthy dinner choice & having had a few tastes of "bad stuff". I need to figure out how to do that on a consistent basis & I think I'll be successful. 

So. Stinking. Good. 

Saturday

Breakfast

Lunch

Dinner

Another disclaimer... We had some friends with us in Little Rock & we ended up back at Chuy's. Completely fine with me! That salad was AMAZING! I ordered it again, no tomatoes this time, & did the same thing. A few little bites of chips (I'm talking like a few. Not like handfuls & me saying a few. Really, just a few. Like maybe 6 total? That's basically nothing.) & I left satisfied & happy. Woot, woot! 

That shell? I could devour that entire thing! But I didn't. But I could. ;) 

So it's been a good weekend! B & I even got up & did our run this morning. (Bless him. He's doing all he can to help me succeed & I so appreciate it.)

Running is not my thing. But I'm so proud when those three miles are over! 

Oh! And while at dinner we got a text from the leader at the girls camping trip. He sent us a pic of the girls & seeing their real smiles, knowing how anxious they were going into this weekend, it was good for my heart. 

Gorgeous girls with a gorgeous view from the top of Mt. Magazine. 

So that's that! Another weekend in the books! 

How I am feeling...

Mentally: Good! I think I'm beginning to see how I could incorporate things I've learned into daily living. 

Physically: Great! 

Craving: Chocolate chip cookies, dadgum it! Seriously. I can't stress that enough. I. Want. Sugar.